Twilight Zone Stories Abound
(Europe – Final Countdown)

Story #1 – The Bed

A guy was moving out on his own and did not have a bed for his apartment. So he went and bought the most lavish bed he could afford. Two thousand dollars later he had a nice lovely bed. A week later, as his anniversary was approaching, he asked his gf if she would agree to buying half the bed for him and he would buy her the other half as an anniversary present. After all, they would be sharing that bed one day. Not today. One day.

After discussing this with her female friends, and completely ignoring their advice, she agreed to pay for half his bed.

A few weeks later the guy purchased himself a 42" DLP television.

*twilight music starts*

What’s eerie is that the guy is still alive and the girl is still going out with him.

(True story. I swear.)
...

Story #2 – The European Trip (At this time in the afternoon…creative juices are running low, real low. You will accept my story titles and you will enjoy them!)

A guy had promised his girlfriend that he would take a trip with her to Europe. However, before they were able to take this trip, they had broken up. After being separated for some time and coming to terms with their doomed relationship, they were able to maintain a cordial relationship. He started seeing someone new and she was still single.

He then decided that he would follow through on his promise of going to Europe with her, after all, promises are not to be taken lightly. He proceeded to explain this to his girlfriend and she finally agreed to let him go and being the generous and thoughtful guy that he was, he allowed her to tag along on the trip.

*twilight music starts*

What’s eerie is that all 3 people came back from the trip alive and the girl is still going out with him.

(True story. Same couple. I swear.)
...

Here’s sort of a random wonder.

I was wondering if pandas were monogamous.

From what I hear 80% of the females and 90% of the males are sterile. If they’re monogamous, that pretty much stacks the odds against them coming off the endangered species list.

NipBeGone
(Sigur Ros – Glosoli)

Khiem: did you know that marathon runners get bloody nipples?
Garry: i'd just get bloody tired
but yeah, i can see how the intense chafing can hurt
Khiem: I didn't know this
Garry: we should invent NippleGuard
Khiem: they already have it
that's how I found out
Garry: sweatproof
oh.. is it called NippleGuard?
Khiem: no...I don't know what it's called
but nipple guard seems a good of a name as any
nipple shield...nipple protector...
Garry: NotMyNip!
Khiem: NipBeGone
Garry: NipBeSafe
Khiem: NipNotBeChafe
Garry: ChafeMeNot
Khiem: NipChafeNot
Garry: NotChafeNip
Khiem: ChafeNoNip
Garry: you should suggest some R&D into that at your company..
Khiem: we make cardiovascular related products...not mammary related products
though that seems to be an underdeveloped market
especially for Asians
Garry: i was about to say the same thing
mammaries are close to the heart anyway
Khiem: close to my heart that's for sure
I think we could write a sitcom
Garry: i think we should...
Khiem: speaking of NipsBeGone...are you going to Sandra's going away party?

Purple Nurple
(Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps)

Coworker - I gotta go and pick up some stuff at the running room for the half marathon.
Me - New shoes?
Coworker - No, nipple band-aids.
Me - I didn't know you had to be concerned about purple nurples while running.
Coworker - Haha. No, no...when you run long distances, your nipples bleed.
Me - What the hell are you talking about?
Coworker - From chaffing on your shirt.
Me - You have got to be shitting me.
Coworker - I'm serious!

...and that's why I don't run long distances.

Goodbye Summer
(The Acorn – Do You Not Yearn At All)

Oh my god we’re having a fire.....sale. Oh the burning, it burns me. Evacuate all the school children!.
...

A breeze blew into my room the other day and along with it the smell of familiarity…I think it was skunk. It reminded me of those summer nights as a teenager/college student when I used to drive around aimlessly after breaking up with a girl. I guess you could say that break-ups stink. Long aimless drives are great for clearing out your head though. However, now with gas prices so high, it might actually be cheaper for people to just get professional counselling.

Hmm...have you ever started a topic of conversation with a digression? I think I just did. I think the breeze reminded me both of stinky break-ups and the fact that colder weather was around the corner.

Summer officially ended on Wednesday and it’s a bit sad to think about but there’s a lot to look forward to in autumn. It’s a beautiful season. The trees are just starting to lose their green. I’m hoping I lose some of the colour on my arms and legs too. This summer I got the worst Cambodian tan ever.

I’ve already booked my first snowboarding trip for the middle of December. About 20-30 of us are headed to Quebec to snowboard down the slopes of Mont Tremblant.

The salmon are starting to make their yearly spawning runs up the Credit River and soon I’ll be wading through there trying to catch a few of them on an early weekend morning. There’s something amazing about watching salmon make their last run up a river to pass on their genes before they die. Referring to the quote on my last blog entry, it would probably suck terribly if they prematurely blew their wads on a dry run before they reached their spawning grounds. Nature is beautiful isn’t it? Everyone freely blowing their wads.

In the middle of October, we’re headed to a cottage where a friend of mine will announce that he is now engaged. That’s engagement #2 this year and I’m hoping it’s the last. I’m not sure I can handle much more pressure on the engagement front.

Lastly, with the end of the summer, hopefully we’ll have an end to the tropical storms that are wreaking havoc all across the world.

Have a safe weekend everyone.
...

Bored?...

1. Go to www.google.com.
2. Type in "failure" without the quotes.
3. Click on "I’m feeling lucky" instead of search.

Chai Latte
(Cranberries – Ode to My Family)

I think I may have prematurely blew my wad on what was suppose to be a dry run, if you will, and now I’ve got somewhat of a mess on my hands.

There are just too many poorly chosen words in that sentence.
...

I like chai latte. Not the actual drink. Just the way it sounds. I’m going to name my first born Le, Chai Latte.
...

I’m slowly learning how to copy dvd’s. It’s a lot of techno babble that I doubt anyone wants to hear. The thing I find funny though, is that I’m actually using a pirated copy of software that allows you to pirate encrypted movies. Even the pirates are getting pirated. Rrrrrr, there she blows.

Which reminds me – has anyone watched the musical The Pirate Movie? One of the funniest musicals ever.
...

Hurricane Rita is blowing towards Houston right about now. Apparently Dubya is well prepared this time around for the aftermath. Of course he’ll get some criticism that it’s only because of the Katrina bungling and the fact that Texas is his home state that has gotten him to be proactive and prepared for this hurricane. I say give Dubya a chance...........he’ll find some way to f*ck this up as well.

I hope all the Houston families have evacuated and are safe elsewhere.

Passive Aggression
(John Lennon - Imagine)

Come on ya douchebags, we're all on the same team!

People have been stressed at work lately. I’ve heard on numerous occasions from different friends that they’re “so stressed” at work. I’ve got a solution for you folks. The next time someone at work gives you work that they should be doing themselves, gives you an unreasonable deadline, or just pisses you off with their annoying laugh – go find their car in the parking lot. Once you find their car, whip off your pants; hop on the hood and take a big shit on their windshield. When you’re done this, break into their car and turn on the wipers. Run back to your desk and watch from your window as that person leaves work. You’ll feel exponentially better.

Passive aggression at its best.

I teach a class on passive aggression every day of the week. Contact me if you’d like to attend. Car required.

Chickens Don’t Clap
(Counting Crows – Round Here)

Jon Stewart on the Bush Administration and Katrina : “Anyone who doesn’t want to play the blame game, is usually to blame.”

I think that’s the equivalent of the retort to “It’s not the size of the wand, it’s the magic of the performer.” : “That’s what people with short wands say.”

For the record, I have a big wand that wields a lot of magic.
...

Please click on the following link to see powers that you never knew your ass had.

Ass Power

I imagine this is a power that maybe the prison community might have. To avoid being violated in prison, they work out this part of their body every day so that they could snap dicks clean off.

If you ever slow dance with this lady, do not try and cop a cheap feel. You may walk away without your fingers.
...

I went to see a contemporary film at the film festival yesterday. It was called All Souls and it was a series of Dutch short films about the assassination of Theo Van Gogh (who was a vocal right wing filmmaker). I think the overall theme of the film was about freedom of speech and the battle between democracy, fundamentalism and racism. I found it to be a little bit of overkill with all the news over the last few years about those very subjects (most of which are related to the war in Iraq). Stylistically, it was very interesting though.

My favourite short film involved the portrayal of Theo Van Gogh trying to get into the Muslim afterlife. He was offered 72 virgins in exchange for not having an opinion or expressing his thoughts. He turned around and decided to walk the Earth as a ghost. My least favourite part of the all the films was the actual Dutch dialect. For some reason or another I just found it very hard to listen to. Occasionally they’d have words that sounded exactly like the English equivalent but they’d be surrounded by dutch. “Blah, blah, blah, you suck rods, blah, blah, blah.” That always throws me off.

It was an interesting film choice by Sonia. Tonight, we get to go see a film choice of mine. I don’t really want to be contemplating the flaws in our society and philosophical stances. So…I chose a kung-fu flick called Seven Swords by Tsui Hark. Everybody was kung-fu fighting!...hehe.
...

Some of my favourite Arrested Development Quotes…

Michael/G.O.B./Marta: I’ve made a HUGE mistake.

Michael: You stay on top of her, buddy. Do not be afraid to ride her. Hard.

Michael: So, this is the magic trick, huh?
G.O.B.: “Illusion,” Michael. A “trick” is something a whore does for money... or candy!

Tobias: Well, yes, but I’m afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so now I’m afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
Michael: There are just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

Tobias: Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren’t you? I tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks any time.
Michael: Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder. You just record yourself for a whole day. I think you’re going to be surprised at some of your phrasing.

(Both Lindsay and G.O.B. are accusing Michael of being a chicken)
Lindsay: Chaw, chee-chaw, chee-chaw.
G.O.B.: Oh, this is priceless.
Michael: You look ridiculous...
G.O.B.: Coka-coh! Coka-coh! Coka-coka-coka-coh...
Michael: Come on. These aren’t even birds.

Buster: Chickens don’t clap!
…

For all your Arrested Development paraphanelia --> http://www.cafepress.com/arrested

All Newsed Out
(Coldplay – Fix You)

We’re going to A B because we’re B A’ers. We’re going to eat zucchinis because we’re zucchini eaters!

So, not a lot of things in the world are going well these days. There’s the ongoing war in Iraq. We all know what a great PR piece that is for the Bush administration. The sad part is, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for Bush, along came Katrina. I think John Stewart put it best when he said, "Was there bureaucratic bungling? The short answer is: yes. The long answer is: YESSSSSSSSSSS!" Seriously, how do you leave thousands of people stranded for 3-4 days while you finish off your vacation? Come on, someone toss those people a bone…or a life preserver.

Correspondent Ed Helms in New Orleans - "While everybody else is busy setting up commissions and finding fault, through the president's leadership he'll end up building a billion dollar dam in Arkansas." Jon Stewart - "Why would he build a dam in Arkansas?" Ed Helms - "His plan will be to fight the water there so we don't have to fight it here."

And the skyrocketing gas prices. What the F??? I even started looking at the cost of getting a moped or a scooter to ride around the city to try and cut down my gas costs. Those things have great gas mileage! However, I’m not sure I could ever really own one. Scooters are like fat chics. They’re fun to ride until your friends find out.

Is anyone else getting a bit tired of watching the news these days? It’s all very depressing.

The good news is I just got a great deal on my insurance from GEICO.

G Dub Strikes Again
(Lamb - Gabriel)

Vacation is Over... an open letter from Michael Moore to George W. Bush

Friday, September 2nd, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush:

Any idea where all our helicopters are? It's Day 5 of Hurricane Katrina and thousands remain stranded in New Orleans and need to be airlifted. Where on earth could you have misplaced all our military choppers? Do you need help finding them? I once lost my car in a Sears parking lot. Man, was that a drag.

Also, any idea where all our national guard soldiers are? We could really use them right now for the type of thing they signed up to do like helping with national disasters. How come they weren't there to begin with?

Last Thursday I was in south Florida and sat outside while the eye of Hurricane Katrina passed over my head. It was only a Category 1 then but it was pretty nasty. Eleven people died and, as of today, there were still homes without power. That night the weatherman said this storm was on its way to New Orleans. That was Thursday! Did anybody tell you? I know you didn't want to interrupt your vacation and I know how you don't like to get bad news. Plus, you had fundraisers to go to and mothers of dead soldiers to ignore and smear. You sure showed her!

I especially like how, the day after the hurricane, instead of flying to Louisiana, you flew to San Diego to party with your business peeps. Don't let people criticize you for this -- after all, the hurricane was over and what the heck could you do, put your finger in the dike?

And don't listen to those who, in the coming days, will reveal how you specifically reduced the Army Corps of Engineers' budget for New Orleans this summer for the third year in a row. You just tell them that even if you hadn't cut the money to fix those levees, there weren't going to be any Army engineers to fix them anyway because you had a much more important construction job for them -- BUILDING DEMOCRACY IN IRAQ!

On Day 3, when you finally left your vacation home, I have to say I was moved by how you had your Air Force One pilot descend from the clouds as you flew over New Orleans so you could catch a quick look of the disaster. Hey, I know you couldn't stop and grab a bullhorn and stand on some rubble and act like a commander in chief. Been there done that.

There will be those who will try to politicize this tragedy and try to use it against you. Just have your people keep pointing that out. Respond to nothing. Even those pesky scientists who predicted this would happen because the water in the Gulf of Mexico is getting hotter and hotter making a storm like this inevitable. Ignore them and all their global warming Chicken Littles. There is nothing unusual about a hurricane that was so wide it would be like having one F-4 tornado that stretched from New York to Cleveland.

No, Mr. Bush, you just stay the course. It's not your fault that 30 percent of New Orleans lives in poverty or that tens of thousands had no transportation to get out of town. C'mon, they're black! I mean, it's not like this happened to Kennebunkport. Can you imagine leaving white people on their roofs for five days? Don't make me laugh! Race has nothing -- NOTHING -- to do with this!

You hang in there, Mr. Bush. Just try to find a few of our Army helicopters and send them there. Pretend the people of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast are near Tikrit.

Yours,
Michael Moore

P.S. That annoying mother, Cindy Sheehan, is no longer at your ranch. She and dozens of other relatives of the Iraqi War dead are now driving across the country, stopping in many cities along the way. Maybe you can catch up with them before they get to DC on September 21st.

Hello Blogger, My Old Friend
(PSB – Being Boring)

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I don’t have any excuses of being "busy". You know you’ll always make time for the things you love to do, even if you’re busy. I just haven’t had any inclination to write lately. I’ve had nothing loathe-worthy to write about, nor any creative stories to tell. I’ve just been happy living and enjoying the things I have around me. My family is still as dysfunctional as ever but we love each other; my friends have been a great bunch to have around; and of course Sonia has been amazing. It’s funny, I’m not doing much different these days but I honestly feel like my situation has drastically improved. I shaved all my hair off last Friday. Maybe in the process, I shed all the things in my head that were weighing me down.

So what’s new in my life these days? I’m going to see Les Miserables with Sonia sometime in the next month because the production is back in town. At the end of this month I’ve got tickets to see Metric live at the Phoenix concert theatre. Three of my friends got engaged over the summer. One got married. My best friend just moved into his new house with his gf. One of my other close friends is dating another close friend’s ex-gf. My younger sister just moved up north to teach at a school for a year. Another close friend is on his way back from Australia in 2 months, after a year sabbatical. Autumn is just around the corner and the winds of change are starting to swirl.

(We were never being boring. We had too much time to find for ourselves.)

Hardcore fishing at 7am!

Meet my little friends, Biggie and Smallie.

Bassmaster 2005